1-800-INNOCENT

"We were basically always alone there."
Interview & Images by Jacky Connolly

So mostly bullies and assholes.
I mean, it's a pretty common thing that people are into that, but when I was younger I took it pretty far.
What do you mean?
Just being with bullies, always being attracted to them. My first boyfriend was a bully and a bad kid. I like was sort of a shy girl in middle school. We got together because he got my screen name and found me online. He was chatting me all these naughty things. Eventually we started hooking up and I lost my virginity to him when I was 14.
Was it a bummer dating a bully?
I mean, it was pretty painful in the day to day dynamic but there’s also level of like excitement and euphoria. The idea of this person being so mean or malicious to so many people and then being in an intimate situations with them. It’s kind of bizarre.
What were the girls like that you hooked up with?
The first girl I hooked up with was pretty crazy. I met her my last year of summer camp when I was 13. Her name was Nadya and we stayed in touch.
Where did she live?
She lived in the city, near Bloomingdales uptown and went to the UN school because her parents were from the UN. She was this busty Moroccan French girl who had blue eyes and black curly hair. She was a pretty wild girl. My friends from home that met here were really freaked out and intimidated by her.

So you guys would meet up?
I'd go down to the city and stay at her apartment. We’d go to St. Mark's place get her tongue pierced go to hookah bars. When I was 15 she came over to my house on New Year's Eve with a couple of other girls that we knew from camp. My parents were away so we stole a lot of vodka and were drinking it like water. Nadia asked if I had ever kissed a girl and I said no. She said she wanted to be the first girl that I kissed and all of a sudden she's making out with me in front of all my friends. Then we went into the guest room in the basement and she went down on me.
Did you cum?
Yeah I did. She had a tongue ring. But it was really socially uncomfortable with all the other girls...
It seems almost amazing you didn’t have given any lesbian sex given your interest since such a young age.
I guess so. I remember one of my younger cousins fingering me when I was 10.
Was your cousin a girl?
Yeah, she was 6 years old. That's pretty taboo but the truth.
How did that happen?
My sisters were sleeping at different place in my cousin's house. My cousin was in my bed and was asking me if I had found the spot on my vagina. I was like, “Yeah, you know about it?” She said “Yeah, it feels like a Polly Pocket. It feels really good to touch.” Then we like fingered each other.
Sorry to keep asking, but did you come?
Yeah. I don't think she did because she was so young.

Do you think she remembers?
I wouldn't be surprised if she did. She was a very incestuous child. She was always the one to be caught with her boy cousin in the bathroom touching his penis. We would always end up playing doctor and examining each other That side of my family wasn’t very shameful of that type of thing.
Did you feel ashamed?
I always felt like I had a secret but didn't really feel bad about it. I feel all children are really sexual.
There's always little goings on with the more precocious ones.
What was your sex life like with your first boyfriend?
My sex life with my first boyfriend was pretty dark. I felt really wrecked by it. That was a case where having a secret was really haunting to me- having dinner with my family and doing my homework after deep throating him in his basement.
You didn't like that deep throating?
No, I was into it but he was kind of a sociopathic. He had all these weapons, like a butterfly knife and would put it to my throat and be like “do you trust me?” and start fingering me. I'd be really turned on but I was kind of young for that type of play.
If you’re doing things like that it’s good to be comfortable with that person.
Yeah, and he broke up with me. This interaction went on for a full year, secretly. At school he wouldn't talk to me, pretend that we weren't friends. If I saw him in the hall way he would give me this evil look. Sometimes he sat behind me in math class, pretending we didn’t know each- other, but then he would start like rubbing me, touching my shoulders, whispering dirty things to me, passing me dirty notes.

Were you in love with him?
Mh-hmm.
Why?
I don't know. I had a desire to love someone and he was the first person in an adult way I had sex with. At first he was really charming and romantic to me but then he just stopped being that way. In the end I wrote him this whole long love poem and he made me read it to him on the phone. After I finished reading it he started laughing hysterically.
Were you emotionally mature at that age?
I was pretty like emotionally volatile. Wait, what do you mean?
Was your relationship with him distracting?
It really distracted me. I had this little Nokia cell phone- my first cell phone- and he'd call me at 1 in the morning. We would talk for five hours with him torturing me. I'd have no sleep and had to go back to high school.
How would he torture you?
He was just a master of mixing really flirty, romantic, charming lovers talk with really intense degradation. I just didn't have it in me to not talk to him.
Did you ever date girls?
One. her name was Sara and it was when I was 16.
How did you meet?
We met through this stoner group of our area. It was mostly boys, there weren’t that many girls, but I was in it. We met at a party- I always kind of knew who she was but she really took a liking to me.

How long did you guys see each other?
Six months.
Did you guys hold hands?
Mh-hmm.
That's sweet. And you had sex a lot?
Mh-hmm. We would get stoned and then have sex in her room. Her parents found out actually and they made us keep the door open. Then we would write each other poems.
She sounds nicer than your first boyfriend.
It was a much healthier discourse. I always wanted to write poems to people when I was that age but they weren't well received by the boys. Sara and I would write each other Shakespeare and stuff like that. We went to Romeo + Juliet and lesbian foreign films
Did you identify as a lesbian at that point or bisexual?
Bisexual.
Was she the same?
Mh-hmm. Now she's a lesbian.
How did it end?
We weren't exclusive. We would hook up with other people too, but then it sort of faded out.
Have you ever missed being in a relationship with a girl?
Yeah. It makes me sad it seems not easy to find. It seemed so much easier to find it when I was younger. I had a best girlfriend that I would have threesomes with often but we only had sex with eachother a few times.
How did that start?
We had this bizarre twin relationship. We met on the first day of college. I went to college when I was 17 and she was 16. That's when I did start having sex with older people. We met and it was just magnetic. We did everything together and eventually lived together. It was a very erotic friendship. We had this whole performance of seducing older men.

That sounds like fun for everyone.
It was really great actually. We could hang out naked in her room in the afternoon drinking tea- then we would do face masks and stuff, shower together, get really dressed up.
And then go find a guy?
We would go to the library and find the senior students to try to go to a party. We were really hot teens or whatever. She was blonde with really big boobs... perfect.

From Sex Magazine #6 Winter 2014
Labelled Life